Why Kids Act Out: A Parent’s Guide to the 4 Functions of Behavior

Ever stared at your kid and thought… What on earth is going on in that mind of theirs? You’ve read the books, tried the time-outs, the sticker charts, and even bribed with cookies, but still…

Tantrums
Meltdowns
Silence

Whatever the flavor of the day is. You’re exhausted. Confused. Maybe a little guilty for thinking, “Is it me?”

You’re not alone, you know.

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor one night, wondering what I was doing wrong. Nothing was working, and I felt so tired—like I was the only one who couldn’t figure it out. But over time, I realized so many of us are in that same place, just doing our best and learning as we go.

Here’s where things started to make more sense. In Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), there’s a concept called the four functions of behavior. It might sound technical, but it’s actually really practical.

These functions help explain why children behave the way they do—what they might be trying to communicate, even if they don’t have the words.

Once you start to understand these patterns, it becomes easier to respond in ways that actually help. This approach can be especially helpful for children with special needs, but honestly, it can benefit any child and any parent trying to navigate challenging moments.

Luke’s Story

Luke once described their home as a place where tension never really lifted. Most days were filled with biting, hitting, and yelling—sometimes all at once. Sleep barely happened, and just being around their son felt emotionally exhausting.

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He and his wife were completely worn down, constantly second-guessing everything they tried. And they really had tried so many things, but nothing seemed to help.

Their son didn’t want to leave the house and didn’t want to go anywhere, so family outings stopped altogether. They all felt stuck.

Then the pandemic hit. Everything shut down, and suddenly, they were all home. Strangely, their son seemed more at ease with the world slowed down.

The behaviors didn’t disappear. He was still biting and hitting, but there was a new kind of stillness. They weren’t rushing to get him anywhere, and that shift seemed to bring him some comfort, even if it didn’t solve everything.

If that story sounds familiar, you’re far from alone.

Things started to change when they connected with an ABA therapist who began consistently working with their son at home. At first, the shifts were almost too subtle to notice. But slowly, there were fewer outbursts and fewer moments of fear or frustration.

One day, Luke realized—no biting. And then, later, their son listened—really listened—for the first time in a long time.

Looking back, the changes didn’t feel big at the moment. It’s only when someone else—a friend or relative who hadn’t seen their son in a while—pointed out how different things seemed that it really sank in.

They had come a long way. And while it wasn’t perfect, it was progress—real, hopeful progress.

How Does ABA Actually Help a Child Whose Behaviors Are Out of Control?

Luke talks about one moment that started to shift everything for their family. It was during their first meeting with a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA). This person would end up guiding much of their son’s progress.

She didn’t jump into complicated terms or overwhelming plans. Instead, she gently walked them through the basics: what behavior really is and how it can change, little by little, with the right approach.

It was eye-opening for Luke and his wife, not in a flashy, dramatic way but in that quiet, steady kind of realization that sinks in slowly.

They started to understand that their son’s actions weren’t random or meant to be defiant. There was a purpose behind them. And once they began to recognize why he was acting out, they could start responding in ways that actually helped.

The therapist was only with them for a season, but that meeting laid the foundation for everything that came next. The BCBA helped train them to carry on even after the in-home support ended.

That part initially felt scary—like being handed the steering wheel without knowing exactly where the road would go. But they didn’t feel as lost anymore. They had tools. They had an understanding.

And honestly, that changed everything.

If you’re just starting this journey, learning about these behavioral foundations can feel like a light turning on in a dark room. You might not see the full picture yet, but suddenly, you’re not stumbling around in the dark either.

What Exactly Is Behavior?

Let’s start with the basics: What is behavior? Simply put, behavior is anything a living organism does.

If a dead person can do it, then it’s not behavior. Walking, talking, eating, even sleeping – these are all behaviors.

As living beings, we’re always trying to get our needs met. Children, especially those struggling with unwanted behaviors, keep repeating those behaviors because they work.

To understand how they work, we need to understand the functions of behavior.

What are the Four Functions of Behavior?

The function of a behavior is the reason why that behavior is happening. Understanding the function is essential for understanding and changing behavior. There are four main functions of all behavior:

Attention Seeking: Gaining attention from others, whether positive or negative.
Escape or Avoidance: Getting out of an unwanted activity or situation, such as cleaning up their toys.
Tangible Items: Wanting access to a physical object or item.
Sensory Seeking or Automatic Reinforcement: Doing things because they feel good.

Knowing the function helps us understand why a behavior is happening. Once we know the function, we can teach more appropriate behaviors to meet the same need.

Function 1: Attention Seeking – “Look at Me!”

Attention-seeking behavior is exactly what it sounds like: behavior done to get attention from others. The important thing to remember is that it doesn’t matter if the attention is good or bad. To a child craving attention, any attention is better than no attention.

Here are some examples of a child displaying attention-seeking behaviors:

Yelling in a store
Making silly faces during dinner
Constantly interrupting conversations
Hitting a sibling or parent

Behavior Function #1 Scenario

Let’s put this into practice with an example. Your son is calmly playing with his LEGOs on the floor in the living room by himself. Suddenly, he stands up, walks over to his sister, and smacks her across the face.

She starts crying, and you and your spouse rush to defuse the situation.

Remember, to kids, attention is attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad. Even negative attention, like being scolded or punished, can reinforce the behavior if the child craves interaction.

What can you do?

If you suspect your child is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, try acknowledging the behavior (even the negative ones) and redirecting the child to a more appropriate behavior.

For example, if your child interrupts you while on the phone, you could say, “I see you want my attention. I’ll be off the phone in five minutes, and then I can talk to you.”

Attention-seeking is a very common function of behavior, especially in children.

Function 2: Escape or Avoidance – “I Don’t Want To!”

Escape or avoidance behaviors are used to escape unwanted activities or situations. Does your child try to:

Avoid doing chores
Refuse to do homework
Get out of social events

These are all examples of escape or avoidance behaviors.

The child wants to get away from something they find unpleasant or difficult. This behavior can significantly impact daily routines and learning.

Behavior Function #2 Examples

Sally is in kindergarten. Every morning, to start the day, her class has circle time. As soon as circle time starts, Sally throws a temper tantrum and becomes aggressive.

Sally wants to get out of circle time and avoid this daily event. This shows that behaviors can be predictable if you know their function.

Here’s another example: A child throws a tantrum when asked to clean their room.

If your child engages in escape or avoidance behaviors, try breaking down tasks into smaller steps, offering choices, and providing positive reinforcement for completing the task.

Function 3: Tangible Items – “I Want That!”

Tangible-seeking behaviors are done to gain access to a physical object or item. This could be anything from a toy or snack to a new video game.

Examples of a child displaying tangible-seeking behaviors include:

Grabbing a toy from another child
Throwing a tantrum for a cookie before dinner
Crying to get a new video game or toy at the store

The child wants something concrete and will engage in the behavior to get it. This can be difficult to manage, especially in public situations.

If your child is engaging in tangible-seeking behaviors, try teaching them to request items appropriately (e.g., using “please”) and set clear limits about when and how they can access desired items.

Function 4: Sensory Seeking or Automatic Reinforcement – “It Feels Good!”

These behaviors are performed because they provide internal sensory stimulation that feels good to the child. This could be physical sensations like rocking, hand-flapping, or humming. Sensory seeking is often misunderstood.

Examples of sensory-seeking behaviors include:

Constantly spins in circles
Chews on their clothing
Scratches their arm repeatedly

The behavior is self-reinforcing because of the sensory feedback. As they are internally driven, these behaviors are not always obvious to others.

If your child is engaging in sensory-seeking behaviors, try identifying the specific sensory need and providing alternative, more appropriate ways to meet that need (e.g., a fidget toy).

Observe Your Child’s Behaviors

For the next week, look at your child’s behaviors and try to identify the function behind each one. Understanding the why is crucial for effectively changing behavior.

Grab a journal or notebook to record your observations. Ask yourself these questions:

What happened before the behavior?
What did the child gain from the behavior?
What happened after the behavior?

Make it a daily practice to observe and record behaviors. This exercise will help you become more aware of your child’s needs and motivations.

ABA Therapy Works!

ABA therapy can be a helpful solution when used effectively. It’s not a magic wand but provides a framework for understanding and changing behavior.

It can take time and effort, but the results are worth it. Learn more about ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) here.

What’s Next: Replacing Unwanted Behaviors

Understanding the functions of behavior is just the first step. The next step is to actively teach new, positive behaviors to replace the unwanted ones.

Check out these 2 simple ways to stop problem behaviors in children.

Additional Resources for Managing Your Child’s Behavior

Want to learn more tips on managing your child’s behavior? Here are some helpful resources:

If you’re looking for additional ways your child can get help with their education… We offer one-on-one special education tutoring that can be done from anywhere you are! Our special education experts conduct their sessions online!

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